For the first time

For as long as I can remember my younger brother has been strong willed and hard headed. At least he has been until about three months ago. My brother has taken lots of hits to the head, but the night of the accident he wasn't so strong headed. Its been three months and 6 days since I was woken up to the worst phone call of my life. It was my mom on the other end in tears barley able to get out the words "Your brothers been killed in an accident." That's the day my entire world came crashing down. My brother was 17 and was just accepted into a school in Tulsa for welding.  He wanted to be a welding like our dad and our grandpa Dave. It was his biggest passion in life. Its all he wanted to do in life, work with his hands and support his family. I am so proud of all the things in life that he accomplished. Even in the short 17 years of life he had become an amazing, brother, son, grandson, friend and so much more. He always there for me when I needed him. I knew no matter how big or small my problem was he was always there on the other end of the phone to tell me what I needed to hear. When it came to guys, no one was ever good enough for me. No even his friends. He would always give them the "Brother talk". I guess that's the perks of having a little brother that's bigger then you. I would give anything to have him back for a day, to hug him, see his smile and let him know how much I love him. I miss you D, I love you to the moon and back. Always and forever baby brother. See you soon.

Like you do

I thought about you today, but that's nothing new. I think about you everyday. I think about what we had, what we lost and what might be gone forever. I also think of the person you are becoming. I cant completely understand where you are in life or what  your feeling because I have never been addicted to drugs and alcohol. Some people think that im crazy for holding on this long, for forgiving you for how you treated me. How you verbally and physically abused me. Drugs alter your ability to be yourself. Do I blame all of your actions on drugs? No I don't but I think for the most part that's why you acted how you did. Maybe its just an excuse that I keep telling myself, that what happened was ok. That drugs and alcohol were the reason for how you treated me. We are miles apart and still you haven't said you were sorry for anything you said or did. I hit the ground running, I left everything in Washington, my family, friends, everything that made me who I am so I could get away from you, so that I wouldn't have to fight so much. I have been fighting for my life since the day I was born and I didn't want to fight for my life being with you anymore. So why do I find myself telling everyone how amazing you were when in reality you just tore me apart, tore me down instead of lifting me up. I kept pouring my love out on you and all you did was take, you never invested anything in me. You may say you love me now and that you miss me, but sometimes we don't know what we have until its gone. As much as I want to make myself believe that someday down the road maybe something will happen with us again. The truth is that you hurt me and tore me down so much that I don't think it can ever be undone, or that I can ever forget how you treated me. I will never marry a man that I wouldn't be proud to have a son just like him, and the way you treated me, I would die if my future son ever treated a girl or anyone for that matter like you treated me.

Shes a Wildflower

I need a new start, time to clear my head and figure out who I am again. The friends I have are not good for me. I never thought that I would be the one run from my problems when I always help everyone else to face their problems. Some may say im running but maybe that's what I need to do. Maybe ill end up back in this town in 6 months or 2 years but either way something has to give. Its my time to shine. I need to do something for myself, whats best for me, not for everyone else. Don't get me wrong I love to help people and help them with their problems but its time I helped myself for once. Im flying out for a week to Denver the middle of next month. I couldn't be more happier thinking that it could be my  new beginning. I love my family and siblings, but they are all married and have kids and families of their own. Its time I grow up, spread my wings, and see how far I can fly. 

You cant blame a girl for trying

I feel like once im starting to get over you, theres something that you do that keeps me running back. People say that guys can turn off their emotions but a part of me wants to think that it wasn't all a lie from the beginning and that you really do care. Tonight my stalker came back and you knew he was back. You called to check on me to see if I was okay and see if I wanted you to come and take care of it. Its the little things like that that keep me coming back. Maybe you were right, maybe I do want to be in a relationship, but I deserve someone better then you. Thats the hardest part for me to actually believe. Everyone says your not what I want but im not so sure that's true. When im with you I feel so safe, like nothing in the world can touch me, but im just done crying over you.

Small town USA

I think I should start off by saying that in my 21 years of life I had never had a boyfriend or any boy that I know of like me more then being just "one of the guys". Thats how my life was. I was always with the boys and had very few girlfriends. Thats still how it is, but there was this boy. He was different, or I thought he was different then all the rest. I turns out he wasnt. He is bad for me in every way but for some reason I cant seem to let him go. He was my first kiss. For some reason I seem to have an emotional connection that I cant seem to shake. Its like everytime I try to run the other way something stops me dead in my tracks and makes me run back to him. I feel safe when Im with him, almost like nothing could touch me. I need to learn to run far and never look back.

Growing her wings

These last few years that I have been out of high school have changed my life a lot. I have turned 21, partied, worshiped, loved, loved others, been hurt, hurt others, lead, followed, counseled, been counseled, helped, fallen, and most importantly, I have always dusted myself off and started again. Growing up is not the party that everyone makes it out to be, at least not in my life. Im finding it very hard to let go of what I use to know and move forward with something im not ready for. Or maybe I am ready for it im just scared to take the first step. Either way its time for me to take the steps to better my own life. Im not saying im going to let go of all of my friends and stop supporting them in their life decisions but its time I made some for myself that better my life. Its my time to shine. My parents are not going to agree with my next move in life but its not their choice, its mine and im doing what I think is best for my life. Im 21 and they cant really do much about it. They can tell me what they think but other then that they cant tell me what im going to do or not do. Im a grown up and its time for me to do something for myself :) My life starts now....

Famous in a small town

The town I grew up in is pretty small. The older I get the more people I start to know that know other people that I know. Working in one of the biggest child development centers in the town also makes your name very known. Somedays I dont like being so well known. Its like you always have to "behave" because your always connected to your job place. I mean don't get me wrong I love my job and I love my kids, but sometimes I would like to be a care free, 21 year old, party girl. Maybe its just because I turned 21, or maybe its because I want to sow my wild oats now. For whatever reason it is, im ready to lose myself and have some fun. I know that being known as the party girls isnt the best thing to be known as but I just want to live my life. Not the life that everyone thinks I should. I don't like drugs but I don't think drinking is bad. Im just ready for a new adventure :)