Small town USA

I think I should start off by saying that in my 21 years of life I had never had a boyfriend or any boy that I know of like me more then being just "one of the guys". Thats how my life was. I was always with the boys and had very few girlfriends. Thats still how it is, but there was this boy. He was different, or I thought he was different then all the rest. I turns out he wasnt. He is bad for me in every way but for some reason I cant seem to let him go. He was my first kiss. For some reason I seem to have an emotional connection that I cant seem to shake. Its like everytime I try to run the other way something stops me dead in my tracks and makes me run back to him. I feel safe when Im with him, almost like nothing could touch me. I need to learn to run far and never look back.

Growing her wings

These last few years that I have been out of high school have changed my life a lot. I have turned 21, partied, worshiped, loved, loved others, been hurt, hurt others, lead, followed, counseled, been counseled, helped, fallen, and most importantly, I have always dusted myself off and started again. Growing up is not the party that everyone makes it out to be, at least not in my life. Im finding it very hard to let go of what I use to know and move forward with something im not ready for. Or maybe I am ready for it im just scared to take the first step. Either way its time for me to take the steps to better my own life. Im not saying im going to let go of all of my friends and stop supporting them in their life decisions but its time I made some for myself that better my life. Its my time to shine. My parents are not going to agree with my next move in life but its not their choice, its mine and im doing what I think is best for my life. Im 21 and they cant really do much about it. They can tell me what they think but other then that they cant tell me what im going to do or not do. Im a grown up and its time for me to do something for myself :) My life starts now....

Famous in a small town

The town I grew up in is pretty small. The older I get the more people I start to know that know other people that I know. Working in one of the biggest child development centers in the town also makes your name very known. Somedays I dont like being so well known. Its like you always have to "behave" because your always connected to your job place. I mean don't get me wrong I love my job and I love my kids, but sometimes I would like to be a care free, 21 year old, party girl. Maybe its just because I turned 21, or maybe its because I want to sow my wild oats now. For whatever reason it is, im ready to lose myself and have some fun. I know that being known as the party girls isnt the best thing to be known as but I just want to live my life. Not the life that everyone thinks I should. I don't like drugs but I don't think drinking is bad. Im just ready for a new adventure :)

Lessons Learned

 I have been 13000 miles away from home and back again. I spent my 21st birthday in Australia. I moved home and went back to work at the child development center as an assistant teacher. I remember a year ago when I was talking about not being able to go home. Here I am, at home, paying my parents rent at the age of 21. Im depressed and hate everything about life. I dont like going to church anymore and not sure if I believe in God. Im not in school or doing anything productive with my life. I went to a quarter of college and CNA school back in the fall and winter of 2009-2010 school year. I left and have never been back to that community college to this day. My relationship with my siblings feels like there falling apart. I feel like no matter how hard I try to keep moving forward that I keep falling back more and more. I just cant do it anymore.